Such A Foolish Thing
by Sister of Arthur
Summary: “If he walked away now, she would be taken back to the human village. All he had to do was walk away, and she would be looked after and provided for.” Sesshoumaru’s thoughts during episode 165. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All characters are being used without permission. No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: Takes place during episode 165, told from Sesshoumaru's point of view. Part 1 of 2.

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Careful to not make a sound, Sesshoumaru peered through the trees at the scene in front of him. Amongst the monks and children gathered in the clearing, he quickly spotted what it was he was looking for. Emerging from the mouth of a cave was a monk carrying a struggling and screaming little girl.

The humans hadRin. That realization brought about a mixture of unexpected emotions in Sesshoumaru.

"**Let me go! No! No!"**

If he walked away now, she would be taken back to the human village. All he had to do was walk away, and she would be looked after and provided for. Clothed, feed, taught how to act, and groomed into a proper lady, she would grow into the woman she ought to be. She had no need of him now.

Unnoticed and on silent feet, Sesshoumaru slipped back further into the shadows of the trees. He would leave her to the humans.

"**Why are you doing this?"**

As he turned his back on her and walked away, Sesshoumaru told himself that he was simply doing what needed to be done. His surrender of her to the monks was what was in her best interest. A human child belonged in a steady home among other humans, not in a constant state of travel with a single youkai.

**"She said she was more scared of people than of youkai."**

Sesshoumaru froze in his retreat as the boy's words sunk in. She was more afraid of her own kind than of youkai? That was absurd, youkai were evil. How many times had she been hurt or taken by the hands of a youkai? More often than either of them cared to recall, he was sure. Of all those times, how often was it because of him? How often was she used as a tool against him, forced to endure pain and fear by his enemies simply because of her association with him. Being in his company was a danger to her. Her safety and sanity where in question while she remained with him.

**"What? Why do you say such a foolish thing? You can't survive out in the wilderness by yourself."**

She is a foolish child. A child who thinks she belongs with a demon. She thinks she needs him, possibly even thinks he needs her. What need could a youkai possibly have with a human child? None, he would say. In the same regards, a human child has no need of a youkai, especially a youkai such as himself. No, by his side was not where she belonged, it was not her place.

"**I do live here! I survive out here! I'm perfectly fine out here!" **

He could hear the want in her voice. The desire to remain in the wilderness with her youkai guardian. She honestly believed that the life she had been living was better than the one the monk was offering her. How could she think that? How could sleeping out in the cold, grubbing for food and dodging demons be better than life in a village? It could not, she was disillusioned. As he had been all this time, letting her stay. But no more. He would now face the bitter reality and leave her to her fate.

"**Don't say things that no one will hear."**

She would grow up hating him, of course. Thinking he abandoned her, let evil men take her. She would always remember how she struggled against the monks. How she punched and kicked with all her might, how she screamed for someone to come save her, and no one did. She would always remember looking desperately to the trees, vision blurred from tears, waiting to see her savior come charging forth to her rescue. She would never forgive him for not coming.

"**No, let me go! Sesshoumaru-sama is… Sesshoumaru-sama is going to come for me!"**

Oh yes, she would hate him, such a betrayal is not easily forgiven. She would hate him with a passion, and then she would forget him. His memory would fade from hers, until his name and face were nothing more than a bad dream brought on by sour milk.

Sesshoumaru closed his eyes against that knowledge. Not admitting, even to himself, how much that thought pained him. How being the target of her scorn, and then nothing more than a ghost of her forgotten past, would sear the heart he never knew he had. It didn't matter anyway. If she grew to hate him, or forget him, then so be it. At least she would grow. At least she would live in peace, away from evil monsters and malevolent youkai.

**"I don't want to go back to the human village!"**

She didn't want to, but she needed to. It all came down to need or want. She needed to go with them, she wanted to stay with him. Need or want, need or want, which was to be held in higher value? Want keeps one happy, content and satisfied. Need keeps one alive, hale and whole. Sesshoumaru chose need, to hell with want.

"**Sesshoumaru-sama!"**

Sesshoumaru felt his newly formed resolve begin to crack under the assault of that desperate plea. He held fast to the knowledge that this was what was best and was what needed to be done, but the sound of her panicked cry ringing through his ears, reverberating through his entire being, was quickly shattering that defense. Eyes squeezed shut and teeth grinding together, he struggled to maintain control of his crumbling determination. He could do it, he could hold up this collapsing wall and stave off his rising regret, just as long as she didn't say it again. If she called for him even once more, his weakened resolve would be lying in a pile of dust at his feet. Just…by the gods, don't let her call again!

**"Sesshoumaru-sama!"**

Sesshoumaru's eyes flew open as his resolve came crashing down. With barely a thought to action , he turned towards the scream and tore through the trees, racing to the aid of a human girl.

Now standing before the humans, amid the clearing smoke of the monk's attack, Sesshoumaru fought back his own self reprimand. How could he have been so weak? How could his very name have been used against him in such a way, and by a human child! He inadvertently gave her a power over him that she never should have had. Affection and emotions had no place in the life of a youkai, he knew this. Yet here he was, having succumb to the wants of a child and reclaiming what should have never been his.

**"Sesshoumaru-sama!"**

This time it was said in utter adoration and relief, he had come to save her, as she knew he would. Sesshoumaru mentally winced at the amount of trust she displayed. Didn't she know this was his great shame? Not only for the fact that she was his weakness, but because he was taking her away from the safety of her own kind and once again placing her in his dangerous company. All because it is what she asked of him, what she wanted from him.

Sesshoumaru pushed down all thoughts of need and want, should and should not, love and betrayal, right and wrong, and strength and weakness. He could not change the fact that he was now standing here, what was done, was done. All he could do now was finish what he had started.

If this is the way it is to be, then so be it.


	2. epilogue

Disclaimer: All characters are being used without permission. No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: Takes place during episode 165, told from Sesshoumaru's point of view. Part 2 of 2.

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Memory never properly records the details of a fight. It's just a hazy mixture of stinging metal, clashing lights, crackling energy, and growling rage. Adrenaline floods through the body and the inner beast surges to life, tossing aside all sanity and conscience thought in favor of natures more primal warfare.

Sesshoumaru was vaguely aware that he had fought the monks, he was also aware that he had won. Any details beyond those two facts were lost to him. He needed no details anyway, the two things he knew where the only two that mattered. He had fought, and he had won.

As the proverbial dust settled, and Sesshoumaru wrestled the inner beast back into dormancy, he slowly became more aware of his surroundings.

He was now standing in a field, with Rin at his side and Jaken in front of him, squawking about some unimportant matter or another. He paid the annoying little beast no mind as he attempting to piece together the missing events that led him from the confrontation with the monks to this point. His still fuzzy mind was having trouble grasping those lost memories, apparently they were gone for good. No matter. He supposed if anything of importance happened, he would hear about it later.

Abandoning that dead end line of thought, Sesshoumaru reached for another and noted there was a presence missing from this scene. A rather large, flying presence. The name of this missing factor was dancing just out of his reach, but he was sure that there was indeed something missing. He addressed Jaken with this concern, "Where's Ah-Un?"

Ah-Un, of course, that was the missing thing's name. Odd how the words escape you until you open your mouth, then they suddenly appear.

More squawking and Jaken scrambled off to find the wayward Ah-Un. He heard Rin let loose a giggle, then scamper off to the right somewhere. Or it could have been the left, Sesshoumaru wasn't too sure about things like direction at this point, his thoughts were still a bit muddled. His vision and hearing appeared to be mostly returned, so he was fairly confident that it was indeed to the right that Rin had gone.

"Hey, Sesshoumaru-sama!" Rin called.

Resisting the urge to tilt his head to the side and shake the metaphorical water from his ears, for that is what this battle induced haze felt like, Sesshoumaru replied absentmindly. "What is it?"

There was a slight pause as Rin contemplated her next words. In this moment the last residue of Sesshoumaru's rage left him and his thoughts and senses returned to their normal fluid clarity. And if they hadn't, Rin's next question would have been enough to snap him out of even the deepest blood lust.

"If… Rin should ever die, would you please not forget about me?"

Sesshoumaru's eyes widen and his breath stopped. _Die? _

Die. A word that has so often passed from his lips, but has only rarely ever crossed his mind. Dying was something his enemies did, something he himself brought upon them. Dying was messy and painful, not something he wanted to associate with Rin. Once already he had found her bloodied and lifeless body lying on the forest floor, he didn't want to encounter that again.

Perhaps that was the event she was reliving while tracing over the unmarked gravestone. Perhaps the memory of dying scared and alone brought about this new and unexpected question. She knew death better than most, knew the smell, the feel; knew the all encompassing fear of absolute oblivion. She knew from experience what it felt like to take your last breath knowing that you won't be missed, that once you cease to live, you cease to be. Everything you said and did in this life was for naught, because the world will continue on as if you never were.

Now here she was, this little human girl, in her second chance, asking for his reassurance that when her bones were nothing more than dust, she would still live on in his memory.

What was he to tell her? It was such a heavy promise to make, to grant another immortality through yourself. He gave her life, but could he give her eternity? Such a promise…Would he remember her?

Was there ever any doubt?

Sesshoumaru turned away from the girl and faced the horizon. He would remember. He would immortalize her, dip her memory in bronze and keep it forever in his grasp; never letting it slip, never letting it fade. Never forgetting. After all, he gave her life, how could he not see it lived and loved?

"Such a foolish thing."


End file.
